Here I am on Day 2 of my journey away from mediocrity. As promised from yesterday’s post, here is a detailed explanation of what is going on in my life.
I was fired! No I was not laid off/let go. I was thoroughly fired from my job because I had gone AWOL for about a month and half with no explanations. I couldn’t understand myself either. What I know is that for the last year I had started to withdraw from my social life. For example before going AWOL; I stopped attending my weekly church service, prayer meetings, bible studies, the youth ministry, and going out with friends. Stopped calling my family every so often, I would refuse to speak to my mom and when we did speak I would give her one word answers. After going AWOL from work, I would only talk to my sister (who rooms with me) for about 10 minutes each day. My eating habits consisted of eating easy meals like eggs, bread, cereal, milk, cheese, turkey cold cuts, soda, ice cream, cookies, Cheetos, Doritos, and nachos. I would go to sleep at 3-6 am and wake up at around 6-7 pm. There were days when I stopped taking care of my personal hygiene. I didn’t comb my hair for about 2 months (AWOL time) and I have VERY curly hair.
My last two weeks of being AWOL I walked myself to the mental health department of a hospital I trust and was enrolled in the Intensive Outpatient Care for about 2 times a week (they wanted me there the full work week but I refused). Even after I had started the therapy I still avoided going to work by getting headaches and not having any energy for getting off my bed.
Please do note that I’ve never gone for help to a mental health group. In my culture, seeking mental health help becomes a stigma that can affect how the family treats you forever more, any possible future hopes of marriage may be shot, and create difficulty in job searches. So with trepidation I enrolled myself in this program praying for information on why I was feeling and doing these things that were so contrary to my nature and that sabotaged my job. I was told that I had depression and anxiety and that the program would teach me coping skills so that I wouldn’t get into this situation again.
Now the great question is…Why did I get fired if my work probably had my medical notes? Well because I never sent in my FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) form to human resources. I let the deadline pass me by without a blink in my eyes. I just rolled over in bed and fell promptly back to sleep on the last day of the deadline to submit it.
I’m not asking for pity or sympathy. I know I deserved to get fired and my boss tried to help me as much as they could with the knowledge I had given them. Which wasn’t that much and they had to make the decision to make sure that the business process was not interrupted by someone going AWOL without explanations. The strangest thing was that when I received my dismissal letter (I guess they wanted to make sure I got that letter because they sent me 3 copies at different times), I started to panic for the first day of being fired. By the second day I was doing mental cart wheels and was greatly relieved of being fired and not having to go back to my cubicle. I felt that for the first time in my life the world was full of possibilities and many delicious adventures to experience.
This is why I’m in this blog. I want to be brutally honest and real with myself. The following list is the facts of my life where I, with God’s grace will work my way towards stability in my spiritual, mental, physical, and finally financial health.
1. I don’t speak with God at all. I need to go back to the beginning of my relationship and remember my first blush of love for Him.
2. I’m about to be 34 in September and I haven’t accomplished what I’ve had on my list in the last years.
3. I’m not even 5″1′ and I weigh about 175 lbs.
4. I still need to finish college (15 more classes) and I’ve been academically dismissed from my university for having a 1.97 GPA.
5. I don’t have any savings and I had to tap into my pension fund until I get a new job or I’ll have to leave MD and move back with my dad in NJ.
6. I have about $35,000 worth of debt and my credit is horrendous that even identity thief’s would be appalled.
7. I have several ideas for a home-based business which I’ve only dabbled in it as a hobby.
8. My apartment’s to do list is as long as my arm and I keep on buying the supplies but never start the projects.
9. I want to get married and have kids but I’m not willing to have premarital sex or any kind of sexual petting before marriage. I know it is soooo old fashioned but this is something I’m not willing to compromise. Another thing is that I’ve only had one date in the last 6 years (which lasted about 3 months when we both realized our families might not match). I only date those that are potential husbands because dating just for fun is not fun for me. Also, I don’t put myself out there so that might be a reason why I don’t go on dates either.
There you have it my dear readers. I feel like right now I have nothing great about me to offer the world, or a future employer, or future husband, or friends, or much confidence for an investor to invest in me. I’ve hope I haven’t forgotten to add anything to this list. If I did forget anything I’ll add it later on.
I hope that by my coming experiences in trying to change my life around, others will have hope and know that they are not alone and they to can achieve a great many things. I would like for you the reader to leave comments and to also share your aches and pains and the changes you are trying out. Again, this is an experimental blog and I don’t know who will read this or how far I will go.
Are you willing to share this coming scary, and adventurous journey with me? Stay tuned then and let’s share our successes and failures together.
I Am Isabel
P.S. I took the picture of the message I wrote with a Starbucks cup in the background because I like some of their drinks and it looked cool in black and white.